If you have BPD
You may want help putting an intense experience into words, asking for what you need, or understanding a conversation after it has passed. You can use this guide on your own, with someone you trust, or in therapy.
everything borderline
A guide by Dr. Courtney Tracy
You want to feel understood. You want to understand them, too.
But when a moment turns painful, it can be hard to know what to say, what to ask for, or how to find your way back to each other.
Get Through the Hard Moments Together is a practical guide to 10 difficult BPD relationship situations, with both perspectives, example conversations, and game plans you can make your own.
55-page digital PDF
Get the guide ¡ $48 USD
Dr. Courtney Tracy, PsyD, LCSW Diagnosed with BPD in 2012. Doctor of Clinical Psychology in 2019.
For you and the person youâre trying to understand.
If you love someone with BPD
You may want to understand what theyâre experiencing and have more options for how to respond. Your feelings and limits matter here, too. The examples make room for both.
If youâre a clinician
You can use the situations as a starting point for discussion and adapt them to the person, relationship, and boundaries of treatment.
Maybe this is what brought you here.
You ask for reassurance, but the conversation leaves you feeling even less sure of where you stand.
Someone changes the plan, and youâre struggling with how quickly your whole day started to feel unmanageable.
You try to give feedback. They hear rejection. Now youâre both trying to explain yourselves, and neither of you feels heard.
A promise gets broken. You want to talk about the hurt without the conversation becoming an argument about whether you should be hurt at all.
You were feeling close a little while ago. Now thereâs anger between you, and youâre trying to understand what changed.
Or the argument is over, and youâre replaying what you said. You want to make it right. You donât know how to begin.
You may recognize yourself in more than one of these moments, or on both sides of the same conversation. Wherever youâre starting, thereâs room here for what youâre feeling and what you need.
Inside each situation, youâll find
Understand both perspectives.
Person with BPD
Person without BPD
Look at what might be happening for each person, including what they may be feeling, fearing, or trying to communicate. Thereâs room for both peopleâs concerns.
Find words for the moment.
Explore example responses for when feelings are present, when theyâre escalating, and when words are especially hard to find. Adapt them to what you mean and what you can honestly offer.
Know what to return to afterward.
Use reconnection questions to talk about what happened, make room for both concerns, and consider what needs attention or repair.
Make a plan you can use.
Turn what youâve noticed into a practical game plan. Think through what each of you can try, what support or space you need, and how youâll come back to it.
The 10 situations weâll work through
- When an argument gets out of hand
When someone is late or doesnât show up
When a message or call goes unanswered- When feedback feels painful
- When hurt is met with dismissal or misunderstanding
- When a promise is broken or trust is hurt
- When someone regrets what they said or did while upset
- When closeness suddenly turns into anger
- When an unexpected change makes the day feel unmanageable
- When you want to reconnect after a painful argument
Iâll also break down ideas from therapies used to treat BPD and show how they relate to the conversations weâre working through.
I wanted something more useful than âcommunicate better.â
Iâm Dr. Courtney Tracy, PsyD, LCSW. I live with BPD, and Iâve been in a relationship with the same partner for over 20 years. This guide brings together what Iâve learned over 15 years, personally and professionally. Iâve founded four treatment programs and worked clinically with hundreds of people who have BPD. I also work with and consult with some of the top BPD experts in the world.
When youâre already hurting, âcommunicate betterâ can leave you thinking, Okay, but how? What do I say when I need reassurance? How do I ask for space without leaving someone guessing? How do I care about their hurt without losing sight of my own?
Your feelings belong in that conversation. So do your needs, your limits, and the impact of what happened.
From the community
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If you love someone with BPD
If youâre the one with BPD
A few things you might be wondering
Do I need a BPD diagnosis to use this?
No. The guide is written with BPD experiences in mind, but these situations can happen with or without BPD. Choose what fits your experience. It isnât a diagnostic tool.
Is this only for romantic relationships?
No. You can adapt the examples for relationships with partners, family members, friends, and within treatment. Use words and plans that fit the relationship youâre in.
What if the other person wonât read it with me?
You can still use it to reflect on your experience and choose steps within your control. Some conversations and repairs require participation from both people. You donât have to wait for that participation to consider what you need.
Will this replace therapy?
No. This is an educational guide. It doesnât replace individualized mental health treatment or provide a complete crisis plan. You can bring a situation or section into therapy to explore it with qualified support.
What if the relationship feels unsafe?
Prioritize your safety and appropriate support. You donât need to stay in an unsafe interaction, accept mistreatment, or agree to reconciliation to use this guide.
What am I buying?
A 55-page digital PDF, Get Through the Hard Moments Together, by Dr. Courtney Tracy, PsyD, LCSW. It includes 10 relationship situations, both perspectives, example conversations, and adaptable game plans. The price is $48 USD.
What if I have a question about my purchase or access?
Email [email protected] for help with a purchase or access question.
Can I get a refund?
All sales are final. This digital guide is nonrefundable, except where required by law. Please review the details before purchasing.
You donât have to figure out every hard moment today.
Start with the one thatâs been on your mind.
The conversation you keep replaying. The situation you want to prepare for. The repair youâd like to begin.
This guide gives you practical examples to turn to as you work out what a different next step could look like for you.
Get Through the Hard Moments Together
By Dr. Courtney Tracy, PsyD, LCSW
55-page digital PDF ¡ 10 difficult relationship situations
Get the guide ¡ $48 USD